Greetings Parents / Guardians,
Time flies. We have just finished our 1st Mid-Term School holiday and we hope all parents have had a great time with your children during this one week school break.
I am sure by now parents would notice the various progresses in your child especially the first year school children. Our 3 years old children had adjusted well into the school environment. Our Junior One children have also progressed into learning through recognising, reading and writing. Most of them by now should be able to recognise the alphabets, numbers and practise writing them. However, there may be some children who take longer time to adjust especially in the development of their fine motor skills. We would like to urge all parents to give your continuous encouragement to your children through this transition period.
Your children need a stable, consistent and secure home environment. Rules help to prevent problems from arising and they help you respond to problems that do occur, aiding your efforts to provide a nurturing environment. Children need to feel safe and secure. Rules help provide the stability of your children’s need. Just as we feel safer driving because we know the rules of the road, children feel safer with rules in the home. Ineffective use of rules is frustrating for both you and your children.
By establishing well defined rules you can reduce your children's misbehaviour and better handle problems that do arise. Your children are less anxious and more secure when they know what your reaction to their behavior will be. When expectations are not clear, your children's misbehavior may be "testing the limits" in order to establish predictable boundaries. In addition to providing structure and defining acceptable behavior, rules encourage learning, growth, and self-control. I believe that the article below offers some information and ideas for you to think about as you start making rules as a way of guiding the growth of your children.
Happy reading!
The Role of Rules in Your Children’s Growth
How Rules Work?
Rules are often thought of as related to punishment, but they work best when viewed as a way to guide the growth of your children. Rules can provide your children a healthy, safe, socially acceptable way of interacting within their family.
Proactive rules are used to prevent problems, such as:
• Not allowing spray paint in the house
• Setting a time to be home for dinner
• Having a box for your children to put toys in before bedtime
Reactive rules are made to deal with problems as they arise, such as:
• Setting curfews after your child comes home late
• Putting limits on phone time when one of your children is spending too much time on the phone
• Defining a place to leave dirty shoes after dirt is tracked in on the carpet
There are two phases to using rules:
1. When establishing rules:
• Define the rule clearly. Your foster children have lived with many different rules under the same name. For example "Speak politely" may have different definitions in different homes.
• Explain the reasons behind the rule (except with very small children). Be sure to include both hard facts and personal needs. "The most common cause of head injuries for children is not wearing a helmet while riding a bike (fact) and I don't want to see you hurt (personal need)."
• Make sure your children have the ability and the skill to follow a rule. Can they reach the sink to brush their teeth (ability) and do they know how to brush their teeth (skill)?
• Allow your children to express their feelings about a rule. Reflective listening is a good idea here.
• Rules must be enforceable. For example if you make a no smoking rule you cannot enforce it outside your house. "No smoking in our house" would be a more enforceable rule.
2. When enforcing rules:
• You must enforce rules for them to have any effect. If rules are not enforced, your children will assume they are meaningless. Your children will also be more likely to test the limits in other areas.
• Be consistent. It is better not to have a rule than to be inconsistent with enforcement. Having rules you don't really care about will lead to children not caring about rules. You and your spouse need to be consistent as well. If you don't care if your teen swears and your spouse does, then you and your spouse need to come to an agreement and present your teen with one rule.
• When rules are broken (unless it is due to lack of ability or skill), consequences may be necessary to enforce them.
• Consequences are not the only method for enforcing rules. Explaining the reasons for the rule, including facts and personal needs, may be all that is needed.
When Rules Don’t Work
Rules are necessary for a safe, secure, family environment, but sometimes they don't work as well as we expect. You can not make rules to govern every aspect of family life. Your family needs rules to set limits and expectations, not to program your children like robots. Here are some things to watch out for when using rules:
• The biggest mistake is making too many rules. Your children can't follow rules they can't remember. This is especially true for a newly placed child. Start with two or three of the most important rules and establish those before adding more.
• Inconsistent enforcement will undermine your rules. Letting your children break a rule at first and then applying a strict consequence later is very confusing to your children. This ignores the main purpose of rules: setting predictable limits on your children's behavior.
• Unenforceable rules can lead to power struggles nobody can win.
• Make sure your children have the skill needed to follow the rule. You may have to show them how to use the dishwasher or washing machine more than once before they are comfortable with it. Using utensils may take a while for a child that hasn't learned that skill and practiced it.
• Does the rule refer to behavior your children can control? "Be asleep by 10:00" is not realistic, while "Be in bed by 10:00" is a rule children can follow.
• Make rules that refer to behavior, not feelings or thoughts. For example, "no hitting" instead of "you will love your sister."
Summary
• Rules are meant to provide safety, structure and predictability for your children.
• Rules are not meant to be a display of your power over your children.
• Too many rules will confuse your children, decreasing the effectiveness of the rules and defeating your attempt to provide predictable responses for your children.
• A rule that is not enforced is worse than no rule at all.
• Your children will test your rules. Their behavior may get worse before it gets better.
